“My mirror must be crazy.”
Grandma: “They say yellow make up makes you look younger.” Mom: “No, it just makes you look yellow.”
“I saw death for the first time today. This woman looked me right in the face. I think it was an omen.”
“Naming a dog Poopsie is too close to the word popsicle.”
“You choose everything that happens to you and when you look at it that way, it’s a real knock in the eye.”
“Your heart is your heart… And once you’ve had an operation, I don’t think you care about who loves you or not.”
“Where the heck-a-doodle are we?”
“There are so many homeless chihuahuas in Mexico.”
“I wonder how long apes live. You know, since we came from them and all.”
“As you grow older, never say ‘I can’t remember.’ That makes you look old.”
“Wear the world like a loose cloak.”
“I think my brain is leaking juice.”
“I know I’m not the best, but I’m the goodest around here.”
“The fish has a little beard on his chin! You can see it when you talk to him. He’s saying hi.”
“I’m gonna go take a shower. If I don’t, I’ll never have one.”
“The whole world’s problem is the penis. Look at India!”
“Engine has an f in it, right?”
Brother: “What’s wrong with you?” Grandma: “Plenty.”
“All I have in my head is Hawaiian words.”
“Reincarnation. The lady said I was from India. I don’t think I was Indian. But I really like saris. Those are beautiful.”
“Your ear is shaped like a fetus. That’s what the Chinese doctor said. You can tell every ailment of a person by their fetus ear.”
“The Chinese are going to take us over, so you better learn about them.”
“We’re in a big kettle of fish. That means we have lots of problems.”
“That’s peculiar. They’re looking through a book and earlier I was looking through a book.”
“You will never tell me what to do or I’ll break your leg. That’s what the Godfather would do.”
“Never tell your boyfriend about boys asking you for your number. Never tell him anything.”
Grandma: “He sounds like a good catch.” Mom: “She only likes him because she heard he had money.” Grandma: “Yes! That’s better than nothing.”
“I have a shower head somewhere…”
“Stupid men don’t care as long as you’re naked. It’s like they’ve never seen anything before. Tell them to get National Geographic. There are always naked women in there.”
“Any guy that hurts you should be shot between the legs.”
It's a Girl Thing. 
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Thanks ladies! Sorry for the delayed response, I’m so terrible with technology. I don’t know how I’m able to work a blog.