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Grandparent’s First Encounter With Rap Music.

Sorry for the blogging delay!  Life has been awfully busy recently.  There is never a dull moment when it comes to my family.

My school’s prom was a couple months ago.  I went with a lovely date and we had a wonderful time.  I took my grandmother’s Subaru because it’s nicer than my car.  Said lovely date and I had listened to a CD he had burned for prom that was full of rap songs.  By rap songs, I mean an inappropriate conglomeration of random words called “rap music.”  When I returned the car to my grandmother, I forgot to take the CD out of the car.

UH OH.

Thankfully, my date and I had turned the music off before giving her the car.  But the other day, my mother got an angry call from my grandfather.  “WHAT IS THIS INAPPROPRIATE MUSIC COMING OUT OF MY CAR?!?!?”

Then an angry call from my uncle: “WHAT DOES YOUR DAUGHTER LISTEN TO?!?  THIS LOOKS LIKE A BOY’S HANDWRITING ON THE CD.  IS THIS HER BOYFRIEND’S CD?”

My cousin:  “I DON’T EVEN LISTEN TO THAT KIND OF MUSIC.  IT’S DISGUSTING.  I DIDN’T KNOW SHE WAS INTO THAT STUFF.”

And finally, my grandmother: “THAT CD MAKES ME SICK.”

Basically, if you have any CD with the song “F*** the Club Up” on it, you probably shouldn’t listen to it in your grandmother’s car.  Especially if you don’t even like rap music…

Procrastinating is a Good Thing.

People are always talking to me about how much they procrastinate and how terrible it is.  “I just do it all of the time!  It’s taking over my life!  I can’t do anything!”

I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong.  I think procrastinating is actually quite productive.  Let me explain:

I have a paper due Thursday that I really don’t want to write.  So instead I:

1. write another paper that isn’t due until next week– yay for not having to do that later!

2. clean the house.

3.  make much needed phone calls.

4.  talk about my problems, which I actually hate doing.

5.  update this blog.

6.  take my dogs for a walk.

7.  watch Dr. Phil.

8.  pet my cat.

See, in the time I didn’t spend working on that paper, I actually got a lot done.  In fact, I was quite efficient.  Normally, I’d procrastinate cleaning the house or taking my dogs for a walk, but because I was putting off something else, I got it all done!

I don’t know if I’d even call not doing my paper procrastinating because I got SO much done.  It’s wonderful, really!  Procrastinating is so good.  It helps you get everything done that you possibly need to.

Except that paper.

Men and Women Can Never Be Friends.

I’m not sure how many of you have seen “When Harry Met Sally,” but you should definitely look it up on Netflix.  And enjoy it.  It’s one of my favorites.

One of the characters, Harry, has this theory that Sally thinks is completely crazy. Be sure to sit down while you read this.  It’s life changing.  Here it is: MEN AND WOMEN CAN NEVER BE FRIENDS (as the title of this entry implies).

People have tried to argue with me about this, so I can kind of guess what’s going through your head.

1. This girl is crazy!  I have so many friends of the opposite sex, it’s ridiculous.

Yes, you do have many “friends” of the opposite sex.  But remember that time they touched your hand and you thought you felt something?  Or that time you rated them on that 0-10 hotness scale?  OR the time you almostmaybethought about kissing them?  Sure, you didn’t act on those feelings, but you still thought about it.  The thought ran through your head.

2.  Neither of us are attracted to each other!

Yeah you are.  One of you is.

3.  Just because one of us is attracted to the other doesn’t mean that we’re not friends!

Sure, you’re still friends, but it’s different.  You’re never going to have that relationship where you can talk about whatever.  Or be completely yourself.  You’re going to be a self-conscious girl around him.  He’s going to make sure he’s wearing cologne around you.

We’re animals, people.  We’re attracted to the opposite sex.  Let’s be real, you always are thinking about whether you find someone attractive or not.  It’s NATURE.  If we would just be like hippos and admit to ourselves that we can never actually be friends with people of the opposite sex, life would be so much easier.  So many fights would be avoided.  Hippos just tell each other how they feel in their hippo way.  I’ve never seen a show on Animal Planet about a female hippo and a male hippo being just friends.  They’ve got a friends with benefits thing going on.  Maybe eventually they’ll make it to couple status. You know, make it facebook official.

(DISCLAIMER: All I’m saying is that you’ll never have the same friendship with someone of the opposite sex as the person of the same sex.  Admit it to yourselves.  I’m not saying that you should just do whatever with whoever whenever.  That, my friends, is not a good idea at all.  Feelings will be hurt.  Hearts will be broken.  Don’t, you know, actually be the hippo.  KNOW THAT YOU ARE THE HIPPO.  BUT OVERCOME YOUR HIPPO FEELINGS.  DO NOT BECOME THE HIPPO.  Contradiction, I know.)

Recognizing that you are an animal is all that you need to do.  Consider yourself enlightened.  You’re welcome.

Here’s Harry explaining the Never Friends Theory better than I did:

AND here he is amending his Never Friends Theory:


We Wish You a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

This New Year, I’ve decided to make some resolutions.  I’m sure everyone is dying to hear, so I’ll go ahead and share.

1.  Stop watching Maury.  There is nothing good about this show, yet I continue to watch it because it’s so hilarious. My bucket list even features going to watch it live!  It’s just so ridiculous.  But it’s a terrible show with no value and I really should stop.

2. Stop imagining what it would be like if certain people were hit by buses.  I mean, it’s a hilarious image in my head.  But it’s kind of really mean.  And if these people were actually hit by buses would I actually find it funny and be happy?  Of course not.  So imagining this is not the kind of thing I should be spending my time doing.

3.  Start exercising more.  I mean, I’m a healthy person and I used to exercise a lot.  But ever since I messed up my knee and had to have surgery and what not, I have just been so lazy.  “Can’t exercise today.  My knee is swollen!”  Get over yourself, knee.  Exercise!

4.  Live in the moment more.  I like to call myself Little Miss Always Thinking Ahead.  I come up with every possible scenario in every possible situation and I prepare for it.  When I should just be enjoying myself, I become Little Miss Thinking Ahead.  When I become LMATA, I do not just live in the moment and I become my own Debbie Downer.  And nobody likes a Debbie Downer.

5.  Stop acting like a Lucy.  My friend and I have this theory that I have this alternate personality (we came up with this after watching Sybil in our psych class) named Lucy.  Lucy hates boys and never wants me to be happy.  I think I spend a lot of my life being a Lucy.  This is partially because I am LMATA, but also just because of my personality, I guess.  So this year, I’m going to quit being Lucy.

6.  Tell someone how I really feel.  Sometimes, I’m really good at being LMATA, so good at being LMATA that I keep my mouth shut because I worry about how people will respond. This, obviously, is not a good tactic because I never get what I want because I’m afraid to ask.  Sometimes, LMATA just needs to shut up and allow me to say what I mean without just being NICE (no, that is not an acronym).

7.  I need to keep my mouth shut.  I know I just talked about how I needed to say how I feel, but my other problem is that I hate silence.  So, I just ramble.  But my rambling has no meaning because I can’t say how I feel and I end up talking about how there’s a species of gay penguins.  Or what I learned on Dr. Phil.  I’m really good at talking when I shouldn’t, but I’m not good at talking when I should.

8.  Express feelings.  Brennan (Bones) has this issue too.  I’m not good at expressing how I feel.  Feelings make me uncomfortable.  This is especially a problem when other people tell me important things that they are upset about and I’m terrible at consoling them.  I mean, they’re just feelings.  Inanimate objects.  They’re not going to kill me.  Just talk about feelings every once in a while, self.

There it is.  My list of resolutions.  Yours are probably cooler.

Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Charlie Brown.

Tonight, I was watching “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” and I realized just how many things the Peanuts have taught me.  I mean, Charlie Brown has been through everything with me.  We’ve been best friends since I was in, like, second grade.  So here’s an abbreviated list of all of the things I have learned:

1.  Never kick a football.  Just give up, Charlie.  Lucy is never going to allow you to actually kick the ball.  Ever.

2.  Speak your mind–thanks, Lucy!  She’s taught me so much about honesty.  For example: Lucy is honestly one of my role models.  I named my dog after her when I was little.

3.  Any girl who dresses like this…

…is obviously a lesbian.  I even looked it up on wikipedia, and sometimes men do her voice in the movies!  Woah.  Bet you just learned something new.

4.  Dog houses are also airplanes and can sometimes be decorated for special occasions.  By your dog.

5.  You are never too old for your blanket.  Thanks, Linus.  You helped me get through middle school.

6.  Those who do not regularly bath will have a cloud of dirt around them and no one will really want to be their friend.  And their name will eventually become Pig Pen.

7.  Get the really small Christmas tree.

8.  Be kind.  Seriously.  Charlie Brown is a nice kid.  And so is Linus.  And Lucy.  I mean, not really, but you gotta love her anyways.

Go watch a “Charlie Brown Christmas.”  Your life will change.

Merry (almost) Christmas!

How to Converse with People.

You know that feeling when you don’t know what to talk about?

Well, I googled “subjects to talk about,” just so I’d that always have some awesome conversation starter when that moment of silence becomes too much to bear.  The first thing that comes up is “Topics to Talk about with Your Boyfriend.”  OBVIOUSLY, YOU CAN’T HAVE AN AWESOME RELATIONSHIP IF YOU HAVE TO GOOGLE WHAT TO TALK ABOUT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND, GUYS.

But anyways, one of the links was “Fun Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend.”  I click on that.  It suggests coming up with a list of questions to ask a new boyfriend.  One of the great examples they give is, “what did the kids in your town do on the weekend?”   Excuse me, ehow.com, but since when did guys ever want to talk about what they did as kids in their hometown?

It also suggests questions like, “If you had a million dollars and twenty days to live, how would you spend it?”  Okay, this isn’t third grade.  No one wants to play this game.

You should also, according to this website, be discreet when asking your list of “getting to know you” questions.  Don’t interrogate him, he’ll figure out that you’re reading questions off of a piece of paper, basically.

While you are questioning your boyfriend, be sure to give him food.  He’ll be much more open then.  Also, make sure that you listen to what he has to say.

I’m not totally sure how “subjects to talk about” actually translates to “ways to get a guy to never speak to you again,” but I’m sure their ideas are very effective.

If you’ve considered any of the above, please just cancel your date with that guy right now.  It’s not going to end well.

If you want to know something about the guy, just ask him.  Here are some things that should be on the top of your list:

1. Do you have a girlfriend?

2.  Are you talking to anyone else?

3.  Do you have a girlfriend?

4.  Are you a polygamist?

5.  Do you have a girlfriend?

I think you get the picture.  I’m sure there are things you should worry about like morals or whatever.  But the girlfriend thing is kind of a big deal breaker.  Just saying.

Have fun on those dates, everybody.

(this was the first thing that came up when I google imaged “boyfriend”)

If You Feel Bad About Your Family…

There’s this website, awkwardfamilyphotos.com that features the best worst photos of all time.  Like, photos that make me feel better about the craziness of my family.  And that’s hard to do.  So, if you have a crazy family, what better way to feel better about it than look at some photos of other crazy families?

Here are my 10 favorites (of the ones I’ve seen so far):

I really like this one because I see it happening to my grandparents.  “Let’s take a group photo right by this classy looking motorcycle gang.”

I’m not sure what’s creepier- the man actually hold the baby or the fact that the baby’s parents allowed this guy to do so.

Poor lady.  Look at the kid with the baseball bat in the background

“Grandma, we know Tim had a sort of shaggy haircut, but he died years ago.”

Everybody loves birthdays.

How is that child not running away screaming?

Where do I even start with this?  The sleigh?  The birds?  Santa Claus?  That beard?

Notice the gloved hand.  Um….

I bet those cats actually wanted baths after that photo shoot.

There is so much wrong with this picture.

See, there is something to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!  Your family could act like these guys.